Impossible

Recently, I went through a breakup. A breakup that happened unexpectedly, although I suspected for awhile that it was inevitable. It was my first "real" breakup, what with the returning of stuff, the updating friends and family, and the actual return to a life that was markedly different before we began dating. It was hard, draining, and evoked feelings of guilt that I haven't visited since I broke my first heart in high school. Nonetheless, it was the right thing to do, whatever that may mean.

Tonight I spent a a few hours catching up with an ex boyfriend/old friend of mine, from high school. Thankfully, I didn't break his heart and remarkably over the years we've managed to maintain a decent, although intermittent, relationship. There's always something comforting about talking to someone who knows you well, who has known you well, and still exciting to catch them up on all that has (or hasn't changed) over the years. It wasn't surprising then, when he spoke my biggest fear into existence--that a right guy for me may not exist. We agreed that I need someone who is intellectual and thoughtful and not just the product of a top-tiered school. That he should be witty, upbeat, and driven. That he should adore but not smother me and that he should be secure enough to give me the space that I need to focus on my career, goals, and life outside of him. That this guy may or may not exist because I am, apparently, a handful.

A little over a year ago, I thought that I had finally figured it all out. I knew what I wanted to do professionally, although I knew that pursuing such a goal would probably entail more school. And in turn, a move. I had finally found a guy who loved me for me and who supported me, only to watch our relationship crumble as a result of our first legitimate disagreement. While I feel like I've progressed in terms of my career, and I think I've taken big strides towards working on myself, as a whole, I am a bit disappointed that I'm not where I think I should be, romantically. Having these conversations about what I want/need are entertaining and all but holding them does not change the fact that I am single, yet again. And due to my own fault. Yet, again. It makes me wonder if I'm actually the relationship material I once thought that I was capable of being or if I'm just too impossible. Only time will tell, I guess.