Not Okay

Today I cried in the bathroom at school, while waiting for my study partner. My mom had just called to tell me that my great Uncle Wilbur had died. While I wasn't super close to Uncle Wilbur, I loved him dearly--he had a great spirit-- and the news filled me with a sadness that then triggered many of emotions that I have been withholding over the past few months.

I hate school. Okay, that's not entirely true. I like my classes and not having to work. But I'm over constantly having to function outside of my element. When I visited DC last week, I was reminded of how happy I used to be. How happy I am capable of being. Here, I manage. Don't get me wrong, there are some people whom I have grown to adore and because of them, school is bearable. But I hate the pettiness, the feeling of being in high school again, constantly worried about who's saying what about whom, not knowing whom to trust or people's honest intentions. I hate that someone whom I thought that I could trust has fallen short of that expectation. I hate that every day I have to defend myself against our class bully (yes, in grad school). I hate that I'm not as resilient as I pretend.

Yesterday and today, two friends have asked me about my ex-boyfriend and later insinuated that I made a mistake in ending our relationship. I don't feel that way (or maybe I do and I am in denial?), but I hate that my judgment is in question. I do miss him. I read the funniest FML story the other and I emailed it to him, accepting that he wouldn't respond. I miss having a boyfriend, and dating is not something that I look forward to partaking in. But I know that I wasn't completely in love with him, and that I need to work on myself some more, before I committ to another being. I know that I made the right decision at the time. But some days, I have my doubts.

Part of me feels silly. Because I'm not even strong enough to face these challenges, which are relatively small and insignificant. But in order for me to become a stronger person, I think it's important that I acknowledge these low moments. That I try to understand why they surface. I know that I'm going to be okay. I'm just not today. And I think that that's okay.